Enough with the Sweaters Already

I LOVE SWEATERS!! But this must be said. I had to pull this out the Mindspace archives from back when it was All Me, All the Time. This reflects my feelings at that time and does not necessarily apply now though still not toooooo far off. Enjoy.

Its that time of year again. For me its the time of holiday cheer and God-awful ugly sweaters. And you know what I mean. Those sweaters that you see and cringe and wonder if their blind grandma gave it to them. The one even God thinks is awful. And he made the person that made it. Come on people.

Oh yeah, did I neglect to mention that Pittsburgh is the bad fashion capital of the world? I think I forgot to mention that. Yes, Pittsburgh has more fashion don'ts per capita than any other city in the world. Its true. At least I'm convinced that its true. There's the Fashion Institute of Pittsburgh and various other places where people can take classes to learn fashion. It ain't workin. Use your resources people.

Big girls. Now you know I got love for my big girls b/c my mom's a big girl. But I will never stop saying this. When you wear clothes that do not fit, it makes you look bigger. Stop doing it. No one looks good in ill-fitting clothes. Just because you're not a size six doesn't mean you can't be presentable. Please understand that wearing a muu muu or a colored oversized sack cloth makes you look BIGGER. But I digress.

Back to the topic at hand. The sweaters. I was in Panera Bread for no more than 12 minutes today and I saw them EVERYWHERE! I turned in one of those horror movie circles where you can't believe your eyes and whatever you're scared of is suddenly all around you. Or you're in a field and you can't see anyone. You don't know what to do. You scream. AAAAHHH!!

You know the sweaters that I'm talkin about. Those sweaters with no less than 4 colors. Usually in a horizontal pattern. And or with balls and 3-D swirls. I don't want your sweater to reach out and touch me. Or stab me in the eye. That is NOT cool. It hurts. Like a lot. I don't like things in my eye. The monstrosities that they call "fashion sweaters" at those horrid stores where you buy them. The stores that should be called "Hi, I'm a mom and I just don't care anymore."

There are actual current options to purchase. that. are. HIDEOUS!! NONSENSE! Don't believe me? Go here. SWEATER VOMIT!! It takes you just as long to look like trash as it does to look presentable. I know because everytime I try not to care, it takes me longer to think... "Is this too ugly for work?" "Does it show too obviously that today I just don't care?" "Am I ruining my rep as 'one of the best dressed people in the building?'" I didn't say that, by the way. It was said to me. So there.

Plus you want to be seen as management material don't you? Maybe not. I keep forgetting that everyone doesn't want to be at the top. Which makes sense. Because then who would do the work? But anyway. For real, you're driving me crazy looking like you just rolled out of bed five minutes ago and didn't even brush your teeth. Please stop.


Stacie von Kutieboots said...

"Those sweaters with no less than 4 colors. Usually in a horizontal pattern. And or with balls and 3-D swirls. I don't want your sweater to reach out and touch me. Or stab me in the eye"

LOVE IT!!!! I'm DYING!!! no less than four colors!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!

i HATE ugly sweaters too. espcially the holiday ones. the ones with live reindeer or jingle bells; actual turkey feathers, or a jack o lantern with working lights. the horridnessocity!

Those damn fair isle sweaters. the all over ones are just bad. nothing needs to be said. then the pretty much solid ones with that fcuking band of yarn mayhem along the middle drives me crazy! its like the loom got a virus or something. you know what it looks like? when you save a word document and try to open it in a pgm that's not compatible and you get symbols/wingdings, whatever.

sweater vomit at the GAP. get your fair isle sweater for $49.50 and an even uglier one at Old Navy for $19.50

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

i always thought men in sweaters implied *gay*

jameil1922 said...

she said "the loom got a virus!!!!!" oh the hilarity!!! oh you're great stace.

ace... what?! no!!! none of that! i love a man in a sweater. not a turtleneck sweater. those are not quite the rage. but a nice sweater? soooooooooo sexy!!!

Stacie von Kutieboots said...

yes Ace, a man in sweater looks like someone you want to get close to. real close. he looks all warm and snuggly... Is it hot in here??

i miss HU right now. i'm thinking of all the enyce sweaters, the timbs and the hats. i think i like winter time again.

the joy said...

i posted something about solid colored sweaters from marshalls. what happened to it? the gist was affordable, knowing my strengths, cashmere.